Forgiveness is often defined as the act of ceasing to feel resentment toward an offender; granting a pardon; giving up the desire for punishment or retribution.

Acceptance, on the other hand, is the assent of the small self to the will of the greater self, an alignment with what is, rather than what should have been. It means allowing all that you’re aware of, all that you’ve lived through, to simply be part of your truth.

There are a couple of points I want to make about forgiveness, especially when it’s spoken into the space of grief.

Forgiveness might be too much for someone at a given time and when it’s forced, it can carry an air of self-indignation. There’s often subtle pressure to perform forgiveness, like we’re  trying to meet some kind of spiritual benchmark. Sometimes it even comes with a quiet sense of superiority, as if to say, “I would never wrong another as you did me so by forgiving you, I’ve proven I’m bigger and better.”

Many people have already done the inner work. So when others suggest they “still need to forgive,” it can feel insulting to their emotional and spiritual intelligence.

Now, a bit on acceptance. It’s a word I hear far less often, but one that’s become essential to my understanding of grief.

Where forgiveness can sometimes feel performative or moralistic, acceptance reminds us that we are already whole. It’s not always soft but it’s kind. Acceptance doesn’t require you to feel a certain way, it’s the truth.

You can accept someone’s death and still be furious about the life you shared with them.

You can accept the loss and still hold firm boundaries.

Acceptance is often mistaken for forgiveness because both can bring peace but the peace of acceptance is internal.

I’ve come to understand that true, grounded, honest acceptance is often more healing than forced forgiveness.

You can accept someone’s death without forgiving them.

Assuming forgiveness is the goal can miss the truth that grieving is sacred work and might not make room for the needed nuancing to feel things as they are.

If you’re grieving, I would like to encourage you to listen to your own inner wisdom. It may take you to forgiveness, acceptance or perhaps both. Only your heart knows what it needs.