Be wary of sentences that begin with “At least”, sentences that make assumptions and comments that minimize the loss.
Remember that timing is important and everyone processes grief in their own time, often even decades later.
“At least you can have your own life now”.
The person is probably trying to learn how to live a new life without their loved one. Telling them they have their own life only reminds them of the emptiness.
“At least you have other children”.
They loved all their children, none of them are dispensible.
“You’re young, you’ll find someone else”.
The unique love they felt with that one cannot be replaced, ever.
“At least he/she isn’t suffering”.
The one left living is suffering. They can feel selfish that their deep anguish doesn’t allow them to feel relief for their loved one.
“I didn’t call because I figured you’d want to be alone”.
Let the grieving decide what they need.
“He/she is God’s loving hands”.
Not everyone believes the same things, and even if they do, they might just want their loved one back.
“Well that relationship was a long time ago”.
There might be unresolved pieces to the past relationship that are now coming to the surface with the loss. They might be grieving the loss of what they had hoped to get from the relationship and didn’t. They might be feeling pain for children that came from the relationship regarding the loss.
"I know exactly how you feel."
Everyone feels grief in their own way. Even if you've lost someone too, their pain might be very different.
"At least they lived a long life."
This might feel like you're trying to find the bright side, but it can sound like their loss isn’t important.
"Everything happens for a reason."
This can make the person feel like their sadness doesn’t matter, even if you’re trying to give comfort.
"Be strong."
It's okay for people to cry and feel sad. Telling them to "be strong" can make them feel like they shouldn’t show or have their feelings.
"You need to move on."
Grief takes time. There’s no right or wrong amount of time to feel sad.
"At least you still have other family and friends”.
This can make it seem like the person they lost is replaceable — and no one is.
"Try not to cry."
Crying is a normal and healthy way to let out sadness. It’s okay to cry.
What to Say Instead
If you want to help, here are a few gentle things you can say:
- "I'm really sorry for your loss."
- "I’m here if you want to talk."
- "That must be really hard."
- "I care about you."
Sometimes, just being quiet and sitting with them is enough.
I work online and in person helping people work through pain to feel peace and spaciousness in their lives.